Last night, at approximately 8.30pm Eastern, I beat Malenia, Blade of Miquella/Goddess of Rot.
Google “hardest boss in Elden Ring” and she tops nearly every poll. Despite being the game’s mascot in many ways, she is, in fact, optional. Not only optional, but you have to run the gauntlet of several absurdly punishing levels filled with OP grunts to get to her. Even some enemies you previously fought as bosses (looking at you, Leonine Misbegotten) are found just hanging out guarding super-precious items, waiting for you to get near enough to trigger their aggro. If you get to Malenia, it’s because you did it on purpose.
Malenia is a humanoid enemy, which means you can’t blame defeat on wonky hit boxes like with the Fire Giant or any of the dragon enemies. But during my 13 hours with her (spread over two days), there were quite a few mechanics at which I murmured under my breath “unfair.”
Her katana has the reach of a conservative US politician trying to justify deregulation of firearms as a safety measure. Trying to heal often triggers a cross-continental, less-than-a-second-long stab. She regains health every time she tags you. Then, there’s the Waterfowl Dance.
I’ve written before about the helplessness I felt when Isshin (Shura ending) opened his second phase with his “One Mind” attack. The Waterfowl Dance is “One Mind” with the volume knob broken. There are two segments of inescapable anime slashes that quite literally surround her and swallow you whole, freezing you in place and keeping you from dodging, and if you think you’re far enough away when she gets those first two off, she leaps all the way across whatever distance you’ve put between you and her to catch you in a third, then finishes off with a fourth that, a moment later, bursts into a fifth sequence of ghost-slashes. It is the most anime move to exist in a FromSoftware game, maybe any game ever. It wasn’t until my 5th time fighting her that I survived long enough to see her do it.
I had a melee build with no incantations—my Faith and Intelligence stats remain unchanged from when I started the game, and the only thing keeping me from completing the Oonga Boonga build is swinging a massive greatsword around. So I couldn’t cheese her with Comet Azur or any other pseudo-Kamehameha beams, nor could I tank through her aggression. And, even though she’s weak to bleed damage, reliance on Swarm of Flies would not have helped as much as I might have hoped due to the 1.05 game patch that significantly nerfed the move. All I had on me were my twinblades, my dodges, and my prayers.
Were this the entirety of the fight, I’m confident Malenia, with her health-gobbling katana strikes, her speed, the way she switches up her combos so that you can’t rely on prediction, and her ability to move faster than an Ethernet connection, would still rang among the more difficult bosses of the game. But what perhaps ranks her among the most difficult bosses in any FromSoft game is that Guardian Ape moment.
In Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice, one of the major bosses is the infamous Guardian Ape. Swift, nigh-unpredictable, with grab moves that have an unbelievable radius of attack, it is one of the more infuriating boss fights in the game. But the Ape has only one health bar. So you get that deathblow, and it’s over. A finishing animation sends Wolf, your avatar, onto the back of the Ape’s neck where he twists a sword that has been lodged there (yes, the Ape does the whole fight with a sword in its neck) and decapitates the thing. It’s done. You won. The game even tells you that you defeated it.
Except.
A moment later, the headless thing starts writhing on the ground. Then it picks its head up, and the battle begins anew. With an entirely different moveset.
One of the more hilarious things I would do during my playthroughs of that game would be to hop onto YouTube and watch gamers react to that moment. Upon completing the first phase of the fight, they heave a sigh of relief strong enough to move Everest. But then the Ape twitches, and you watch the hope drain from their eyes. Reactions range from fury to bottomless despair and everything in between.
The bossfight with Malenia doesn’t troll you quite so hard. Instead of the screen signaling that the fight is done, you get a cutscene, then you arrive at the second phase of the fight. Malenia, Blade of Miquella, has become Malenia, Goddess of Rot. She keeps much of her old moveset, but now has more, with several attacks that deal Scarlet Rot, an effect that, if the bar fills, continuously drains your health. Even as you chug your Crimson Flasks.
She’s faster, more aggressive, and now has wings that partially obscure her moves and spirit her to wherever you hope to find a moment’s peace. She begins this phase of the fight with a near-full health bar and a meteor-like comet attack (reminiscent of Radahn’s 2nd phase) that, upon impact, blooms into a massive nine-tailed-fox-looking thing that, if you touch it, builds up Scarlet Rot.
One thing about Elden Ring bosses is that you can eventually develop a strat for beating them. If you survive long enough to memorize their moveset. A big reason it took so long to beat Malenia is that if she hits you twice with almost any given move, you’re dead. (Her grab actually drained my full health bar in one go.)
Defeating Malenia was a team effort.
I began streaming Elden Ring on July 16th (at least, that’s the day Xbox records my first Achievements), and ever since, I have had fellow Twitchers cheering me on, guiding me toward particular items, laughing at my foolish fall-deaths, screaming “Oh no” when an especially punishing move snatches defeat from the jaws of victory, and roaring with elation when I finally get to the Enemy/Great Enemy/Legend/Demigod Felled screen. The insistent belief in me on the part of one of my people in particular has sustained me, something I’ve found increasingly necessary in those moments when the game veered from fun to its opposite. My younger brother has joined the chorus along with some familiar faces and one of the singular joys of the experience has been watching the chat blossom into a collectivity, all of them oriented ultimately toward helping me achieve my victory. Little moments like them saying “hi” to each other when they appear in the chat fill my heart to bursting. That, in itself, is often enough to keep me going.
I don’t stream every game I play, but I’ve found it to be a bit of a recurrence with the more difficult games. The first playthrough I streamed was my last of 4 playthroughs of Sekiro and I streamed a bit of Sifu, as well. And here, again, I am with Elden Ring, three of the most challenging games I’ve ever played. It’s the rallying, I think. The community.
Last week, the 3rd (I think), was the one-year anniversary of the LOX vs Dipset Verzuz battle at Madison Square Garden and the moment Jadakiss became the Mayor of New York City. Everything from the camera zooming in during Jada’s shit-talking, to the hat removal, to the music kicking in and the audience shouting that first “NEW YORK” to Fat Joe (who features on the song) rapping along in the crowd, everything about it embodied the elation of a people finding joy in the midst of a cataclysmic pandemic. I don’t remember August of 2021 clearly in part because of the way the pandemic bent/collapsed/messed with time and in part because that year I was tremendously busy with projects. But I remember that moment. That specific moment. It was all everyone talked about the next day. Tyler, the Creator has a memorable Hot 97 radio interview where he talks about it.
After I defeated Malenia last night, I went to YouTube to watch other gamers struggle against and eventually conquer her, and the jubilance is nothing if not infectious. Crying afterwards is a very regular occurrence. The comments section of these videos has turned into one of the most supportive corners of an Internet and sometimes gaming subculture that occasionally revels in its toxicity. Here, instead of the usual “it’s cheating if you use a Mimic” gate-keeping, you may find people who claim they were more excited and happy to watch their favorite gamers beat Malenia than when they themselves defeated her. It’s all of us shouting “NEW YORK, NEW YORK” at the top of our lungs, an island of joined souls in a sea of catastrophe.
While streaming, I constantly refer to “we.” “We” did well. “We” are learning. “We” finally got there. And not just because I have a whole Team in the Chair (letting me know where I can find whetblades to add frost to my weapon or that there are indeed ways to dodge the Waterfowl Dance), but because this, to me, has always felt like a journey collectively taken.
Last night, we beat the hardest boss in Elden Ring.
You can watch the final duel here.
As a coda, my build:
Warrior Class
Level 110
Cold Godskin Peeler +22 (with Bloodhound Step)
Eleanora’s Poleblade +10
Vigor: 46
Mind: 12
Endurance: 32
Strength: 37
Dexterity: 44
Intelligence: 10
Faith: 8
Arcane: 20
Talismans: Crimson Amber Medallion, Radagon’s Soreseal, Green Turtle Talisman, Rotten Winged Sword Insignia
Now reading: The Committed by Viet Thanh Nguyen
Now listening: Camino Revolucionario - Gabylonia